Friends

Friends have always been a big part of my life. Apart from my sisters and brothers and my mother and my father and my cousins and my husband - people who I am lucky enough to always have in my life - I'm referring to those friends who sometimes ebb and flow. The neighborhood friends, the girlfriends, the best friends.

Some of my earliest memories are of my neighborhood friends, riding bikes around the block and to Peterson and Raynor Park. We'd go roller blading through "Bump Bump Land" and play Barbies and Hair Salon. We'd have lemonade stands and go swimming at the Cabana Club for hours and hours. We'd help clean bedrooms just so that friend could come out and play. We'd walk to the Wherehouse to buy casette tapes and to Taco Bell to eat some lunch and Longs Drugs to buy make-up. We'd meet boys and call boys and talk about boys and play songs that reminded us about boys over and over. We'd sneak up on the Seaweed Witch's house in the middle of the night and dare each other to pick a flower from her garden, only to discover her outside watering her precious flowers at 3:00 am! We'd have sleepovers on the trampoline and buy season passes to Great America. We'd sneak out and toilet paper. Sometimes we'd get caught, other times we wouldn't. We'd ring each other's doorbell and ask each other to play. We'd beg our moms for rides to Valco Fashion Park and Sunnyvale Town Center where the cool spots here Tilt, Hot Topic, and GAP. We'd watch our friends struggle with really serious family issues, being so young that we had no idea how to cope or help or understand. We'd always know it was time to go home when the street lights came on.

Those friends grew up, and through the years I made other friends. Sometimes I felt like I didn't have any friends at all. Of course I did still have those childhood friends, but different schools and ages and interests and schedules prevented us from playing together as often as we once had. And then some new friends came along. We were older now, and looked forward to Saturday night dances. We'd travel all over the valley, just to attend a dance. We'd go to thrift stores and buy cute skirts. We'd wear tights under our skirts to help suck us in and we were attached at the hip. We'd date different boys and plan fun things for Girls Camp and buy retro cars. We'd get caught in lies in Half Moon Bay and be grounded for weeks. We'd go tanning and to Togos and kickboxing and Yummy Yogurt. We'd experience such sad loss and heartache, and not know what to do to help other than to just be there. We'd turn up the music and sing along to Rock With You by Michael Jackson and Wide Open Spaces by The Dixie Chicks. We'd learn to drive stick and pick each other up for firesides and football games and more dances. Our cars would stall and we'd have to push them off the freeway. We'd wonder where the other had been our entire lives? After dances we'd stop at Dennys or In and Out or Jack N The Box for some late night food. We'd drive to the beach on nice days and soak up that California sun. We'd often ask "Wouldn't it be nice if we were older?"

And then all of a sudden we were. Leaving for college was one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life. I went through security and turned around to wave goodbye, and knew that even though I'd love those friends for the rest of my life, things would never be quite the same again.

College was forever ago. Roommates and classes and text books and rent and working at Maceys Grocery Store. Boys and long distance phone calls and new roommates and exams and devotionals. Student wards and a summer in Hawaii and missing my mom so much it hurt. Pranks and football games and housing contracts beautiful mountains and the Provo Temple. Friends seemed to come and go throughout college, depending on where I lived and who I lived with. I had ups and downs in my personal life, and unfortunately have more regrets stemming from that stage in my life than any other. I often wasn't my best self, which probably fueled my inability to be a great friend to people who deserved great friends. I was distant from my family. Distant from those who knew me and loved me best. And one day, a girl who I considered to be a friend, called me out on it. I've never forgotten her admonition to just be better, all around.  Her honesty made me recognize that I should be - needed to be - better.

I started running. I started eating well. I started preparing for things to come. I knew I needed to be in a better place if I was going to be able to make the important decisions that I would eventually need to make. I looked at the relationships in my life, the friendships I had, and recognized some were very unhealthy. I made hard choices, that broke my heart, but knew they were for the best.

Through what I thought was simply circumstance at the time, I met some new friends who would change my life. I was half way through college, and ready to embark on an adventure. I needed to get away. To clear my mind. To remember who I was. Off I went to travel the world with these strangers who became instant friends. We were thrown into a culture so foreign that I found myself paralyzed at times, not knowing how to handle a situation. We opened our hearts to children whose hearts were unrepairable. We laughed at the quirks, missed the familiar, and wondered about the future. We said mean things to each other. We got on each other's nerves. And yet we formed a circle of sisters who understand, and will never forget, what we learned together.

Every so often, I reconnect with a friend from sometime in my past. As we sit and vist, catching up on the new, I'm often wondering in my mind if there are things I said or did that still bring sadness or embarrassment to them. You see, I find that I have regrets. And wonder if there are apologies that ought to still be offered.

Each stage of life presents new friends to embrace. And as experiences come to a close, I can't help but reflect on the friends I've made during that phase - and be incredibly grateful for them. Friends who are so old they could be my grandmother, and yet we are kindred spirits. Friends who loved me for who I am, pajamas at two o'clock in the afternoon or dirty dishes in the sink or running late yet again. Friends who offer - and that makes all the difference. Friends who I look up to and could sit with all day and talk with and ask questions about how to teach my daughters to respect themselves and how to organize my life and how to embrace my husband's career and meet his needs while balancing my own needs... and I would hang on their every word. Friends who have the talent of being so selfless, you walk away from a long conversation and realize that, not once, did they talk about themselves, but only seemed interested in my woes and my plans and my day. Friends who love my girls, knowing how crazy they can be, and still have pictures of them up on their refrigerator  Friends who never make me feel guilty for asking to borrow sugar or eggs or flour, again. Friends who went along with my ideas and made their lives much busier than they needed to be, but never complained and always supported. Friends who knew my heartache and tried to understand and cried with me. We went on walks and had little babies together and could sit and talk in the living room for hours. We shared recipes and went on adventures and had girls nights and stayed out way too late. We celebrated holidays together and carpooled and watched our children get bigger and bigger and bigger. We convinced our husbands to let us have too much fun, time and time again.

I wonder in years to come, if I'll reconnect with a friend from this stage in my life and again wonder if I really was the type of friend I want to be - the type of friend I know I should be.

Those regrets that I have are somehow made a bit better by knowing that all those amazing people - who emulated so much of what their own mother's taught them to be - have too entered new stages, and embraced new friends. I hope they too remember fondly, and still progress forward through each experience, seeking out those special people who will make them better people than they previously were. From a distance I'm so happy to hear, so grateful to know, so in awe by their accomplishments, so sad when things don't work out perfectly, and so excited when they do. Sometimes those feelings are so close to my heart that I feel we are best friends again - sharing our biggest secrets - sitting on the corner of Sprig Court or talking on the phone too late or laying on the bed in my apartment. How do you let them know that you still care just as much as ever?

I said goodbye to a friend today, and the chances that we meet again are very very small. I suppose it was our emotional farewell that got me thinking about the friends in my life and what they mean to me. When you know that you are saying goodbye to a friend - a best friend - for good... emotions arise that I forgot I had.

How grateful I am for the friends in my life, from the days of Barbies and bikes to boyfriends and break-ups. From roommates and European hostels to graduation and weddings. From nursing babies and parenting tips to finding myself again and forming life-long friendships. I am grateful for them all.

Every. Single. One.